yo wassup. January is the longest year ever. I’ve been feeling strange lately, not necessarily bad, but not good either. I think I have just been very overwhelmed by things. As I mentioned in the last episode, my mother received a head injury this day two weeks ago. I grew up as a bit of a hypochondriac so I think I have been quite worried about her. Also, we’re very close. She’s the only parent I’ve ever had, and I’m quite protective over her - so her experiencing any kind of pain or suffering fills me with anxiety and dread. So I’ve been a bit all over the shop the last two weeks, and haven’t felt able to tend to the things I wanted to tend to. There were so many Á la Maeve things I wanted to sort out by the end of January and I haven’t done a single one of them. All I’ve been doing is going outside, because when I am outside, it is easier to breathe and life just feels ok even when it may not feel like it is.
I think one of the worst parts about ADHD is executive dysfunction. I’ve had a bad spell of it for the last two weeks. It is absolute hell to have so many ideas that excite you, and a sincere desire to bring them to life - but for some reason you just can’t. I am not an idle person either, so I genuinely try to do my best to make them happen. It feels like constantly being stuck swimming against a current, while there are hands around your neck and someone screaming in your ear. Very Sisyphean stuff altogether. It feels absolutely ridiculous. I had no idea executive dysfunction was a thing until I received my diagnosis a little over a year ago, but it was something I had been experiencing for my whole life. I would be so harsh on myself saying I’m useless and completely wasting my life, and just so frustrated with not being able to understand why I couldn’t do the things I sincerely wanted to do. It also causes a lot of grief and tension when people don’t understand what’s going on and think you’re just lazy and ignorant. Bro. It is hell. But yeah, I’ve felt a lot of that and it’s making me feel even further behind than I already felt.
I’ve been trying to reframe the thoughts around it, but it’s hard, especially when some of them have been with you for decades. I’m trying to tell myself that while I have not achieved many of the things I wanted to this month, I still have gotten to enjoy quality time with my mother, I’ve also gotten an awful lot of exercise and fresh air, I’m cooking more (something that terrifies me because I fear giving myself food poisoning), and I’ve got to hang out with my bestie doing fun things. I’ve also started reading again, which has been very nice. I used to practically eat books, but work and insomnia made me borderline illiterate the last few years.
I also went to Edinburgh even when I did not want to, because I was worried about my mother, and I got a lot done there. I did my little ritual of going to the posh cinema to see a film while I let my phone charge (I brought a powerbank but I forgot to flick the switch to actually charge it up *clown emoji*) I went to see Hamnet. This was probably the worst thing I could have done to myself. Without giving anything away - I knew it was going to be sad, but nothing prepared me for the beginning of the film and witnessing the deeply intimate displays of yearning, love and raw emotion on screen. It was like crack for yearners. Then as the film developed and reached its conclusion, my body was quite literally heaving with tears in the Everyman Cinema. I have been in an awful way ever since I watched it. So naturally I plan on going to see it again within the next few days. It’s like a form of self-harm, but my god is it beautiful. Paul Mescal has a lot to answer for with his filmography: Hamnet has now been added to the list of works that emotionally debilitate me, along with Normal People, Aftersun and All of Us Strangers.
I am hoping that I will push the boulder up to the top of the hill this weekend. I think I can feel it coming. I am sorry that I have been behind on everything Á la Maeve and there’s been nothing new to share, and I’ve been bad at engaging with any messages related to jewellery. I think I’ve just been enjoying (as much as I can in spite of the overwhelm) being simply Maeve these last few weeks. Maybe I’ll talk about that next time. Byeeee.