I’ve been feeling like a paper bag that’s carrying just a bit more than it should be, but it’s raining out and the bag is getting wetter and wetter and therefore weaker and weaker. But it’s a reinforced paper bag that came from a really strong tree, so it’s still intact - but it would been nice if someone could come along and put a hand under the bottom of the bag to help ease the strain of all the heavy things threatening to tear through the bag. But unfortunately I don’t have that, so I went on a long silent walk today instead and accidentally ran a 5k in the middle (23:06 if anyone is wondering, but it felt like cheating because there were a lot of declines. Not bad for someone with sleep issues and does not run, but very bad for my right knee RIP) I also found a swing, which I did not try… yet. I am now currently the only member of my family without a (physical) head injury and with the way our luck has been going this week, I was not prepared to take the chance by myself without phone signal, and had to rein in my impulsive nature. Protect mode activated.
I have my first market of the year next week which I am very nervous for, for a few reasons. One of them is that I have not really been able to make anything substantial. I did finish a small few pieces last weekend, but I have just realised I forgot to actually show them to you. That’s the kind of week it’s been. Maybe I’ll remember tomorrow. I sat down to make new pieces today but it just wasn’t going well - but it was just silly things, and not the usual block I’ve been facing - so that’s something at least.
I think the decorating of my room helped with that. I loved my room before, so so much. It was entirely me, but my feelings had been hurt too much in that room so it had to change. Hence the frantic and chaotic painting in November, so it could be just different enough so I could spend all day in it to make my winter stock without having a panic attack. Christ I’m sounding so dramatic but it’s reality. It helped until I tried to get back into making after the Christmas break, and any time I sat down at my desk I was filled with panic and dread at doing the thing I loved most to do. I wanted to decorate the walls, but it felt like too much commitment trying to decide where all my frames should be hung - so I’ve been putting it off. I finally did it this week, in the hopes that it would make it a new place that I could operate out of and get things done for this market - and I really like it. It feels a lot lighter, fresh and more spirited - and most of all it’s still me.
I have found that I have not been able to rehang a lot of the pieces I used to have on my wall. It feels like they are cursed and haunted from the pain they have witnessed, which is a shame because they were beautiful. The one I miss the most is a print of the lyrics “we always sing, even when we’re losing” from the song Cold Old Fire by Lankum. It is a large black print that used to hang above my record player. I wanted to put it back up there but it did not feel right. I love those lyrics though, it’s how I tend to live my life when I can. People seem to get surprised when I say I haven’t been sleeping or feeling well or whatever over the last few because I’m always doing things - but that’s because I don’t understand how I am supposed to feel better if I sit at home marinating in my own misery. I can be accused of some things, but I can never be accused of not making the most of it, or not cracking jokes about shit situations.
That said, I missed a show last night which I very much regret, and after missing a few incredible shows last year because I was feeling awful, I had promised myself I wouldn’t miss any more. But yesterday I was down and physically exhausted so I had to admit defeat, and I felt really weak as a human being for once again not being able to do something I wanted to do, but then I told myself to shut up because I’m just a girl with an awful lot of feelings and, as I said to my mother who was feeling the same after everything that's happened, it’s better to care and be affected by real and important things, than it is to not feel anything at all. People who don’t care and don’t cry are weird and I never want to be one of them. Here’s to a less eventful and brighter weekend where I manage to make lots of things for the market next weekend (please come xoxo)