Over Christmas I was having a discussion with my mother about how other people perceive me and the things they say to me, like how they admire my confidence, bravery and just the way I go about myself. This is absolutely hilarious to me every time it is said, as I feel like Cork’s biggest scaredy cat. My mother did point out though, that when she visits me at markets and sees me in action, she is surprised by how chatty and bubbly I am. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and why that is, I think a lot of it is that it is because I am doing something I love in an environment where I am surrounded by people I adore, and I get to dress up whilst doing so. I think a lot of my so-called confidence actually comes from what I wear, which is why I am always in some form of heels unless I am out wandering. Also with the way my brain works, I am always running on adrenaline and sleep deprivation so I don’t have the time or capacity to think about how I feel and how I may be perceived by others.
Confidence is a funny concept for me to wrap my head around - I am generally confident in who I am and how I go about my life, but I am still so insecure at the same time. But also not? Outside of the market, no matter how much I may enjoy anyone’s company, I genuinely fear speaking with and developing personal relationships with people. I liken myself to some kind of shaking shelter dog who would like a home but hides in the corner and sometimes growls at the people who come near her (to be fair some people deserve to be growled at). Yes, the same girl who doesn't think twice about flying off on her own and going bar for bar with some of the hardest rappers out there is calling herself a shelter dog. I am highly aware of why I feel that way, and also why I shouldn’t. It is a really complex position to be in (which is why they call it complex post traumatic stress disorder I guess) but the last six months or so I am taking steps out of my corner, having a sniff around, and even wagging my proverbial tail when I come across other dogs like me and get to see that maybe I can have some faith and trust in the ways of the world. Yet there is still a feeling of confusion when people do actually want to spend time with me. I always feel like I have tricked people into being friends with me and thinking I am an interesting person to be around, even though I have only ever been myself and don't mind being by myself. This is a really mind-bending thing to experience when you are comfortable with who you are inside - like why am I getting mad at myself for people liking me? Don’t get me started on what goes through my head when I receive compliments, but I am learning to just say thank you instead of pointing out all my perceived flaws.
I do sincerely feel like I am very slowly letting go of the negative belief systems about myself. One of the heaviest of them is the burden complex I seem to be in possession of. The concept of asking for or accepting help makes me feel legitimately unwell. There are very, very few occasions where I will let anyone help me. As you can imagine, this makes life unnecessarily difficult. Here is one example: I was supposed to have my NCT on 23rd of December, however I checked my lights the night before and it appeared a fog light was not working, so I rescheduled it for the week after as my brain was too melted to fathom the thought of asking someone for help, especially on short notice. I would have done it myself (trust me, I’ve tried) but it’s impossible on my car. However, then we were in the liminal period between Christmas and New Year, and heaven knows I could not inconvenience someone to do it at that time of year, even if they were open for business. So that meant another late reschedule. I finally managed to summon the courage this past Monday, and with a belly full of goats cheese I drove to a motor factors outside the city. However, the courage was in short supply and I pulled into a nearby area to talk myself back into it, which was mainly just me telling myself to grow up and cop the fuck on and stop being so scared of men with jobs. I went in and asked, and they said they may not be able to do it but they would have a look. At this point I wanted to throw up and drive away, but I pulled my car around. Turns out all my lights were working fine. Wasted €48 and two weeks stressing over something that wasn’t even a problem, and the people I dealt with were perfectly friendly and nothing to be afraid of. In case anyone was wondering, I passed the NCT this morning and have rewarded myself beyond any reasonable measure for doing so.
Will I learn from this whole ordeal and not be so scared for next time? Probably not, but it definitely helped. I guess it’s like exposure therapy, which is what I actually think is most effective for me, because I need to re-experience for myself that the world does not have to be as scary as my nervous system has been shown first hand. I am just very bad at pushing myself to do those things and putting trust in people, even if I want to. Most of my exposure therapy so far has been writing and publishing this for real humans to read and perceive, and also visiting the jumper, stationery and ceramic homeware sections of shops and telling myself why I do not need those things. I won’t lie, it makes my stomach hurt any time I post ANYTHING online (I especially hate when I have more than one story up), but it is a nice feeling when I share the vulnerable side to being a person and people feel comfortable sharing with me in return that they appreciate me doing so, and that it resonates with them. Anyway, thanks for being nice to me, and please be nice to yourselves too cos you’re all sound out.