I can’t believe we’re in March. This is horrifying. I am scared. I can’t remember what it is like to be the optimistic and chill girl who was writing these things towards the start of the year. I am feeling quite frustrated. Jesus. In some ways this year is going well: in terms of getting outside and doing things it’s been unreal, but in pretty much every other way it is not ideal. I was with my doctor this day last week, and she advised me to move to Iceland and get a job working outdoors, and that I should also watch the film Into the Wild because I reminded her of the main character. She also suggested I have body dysmorphia because I told her most of the time I feel like the ugliest creature alive (I’m clearly in a very good place)
I watched the film this past Wednesday and it did resonate a lot with me with regard to how I feel and find meaning in life. Quite a lot. It was obviously very sad at the end, but I loved the realisation at the end that “happiness is only real when shared.” As someone who has been single for longer than they would like to admit, and has felt quite lonely in general throughout life, I have had to deal with the algorithms serving me videos telling me that I have to learn to be happy by myself. Piss off. I am grand by myself, and I don’t let it stop me from doing anything I really want to do - I am always dining out by myself, exploring, travelling, going to concerts etc. and I largely do not care that I am by myself because I am so used to it at this point - but that’s all it is, just grand. There is a marked difference in my happiness levels when I get to share those experiences with other people. I felt so emotionally and spiritually fulfilled after celebrating my best friend’s birthday with her in Dingle, like I woke up the next day feeling so warm inside. It was so wholesome. I did not experience that specific feeling with my trip to Iceland - it was absolutely wonderful and amazing in ways that are unexplainable, but it lacked the feeling I felt after Dingle and that is because it was not shared. I had the absolute time of my life over in Iceland, but there were several points where I would have liked to have someone with me because it was so overwhelmingly incredible that I yearned to see what that wonder would look like reflected in someone’s eyes. I like sharing things, and I also find it easier to remember things if I share them with people. I live for the moments of seeing something beautiful and going “that’s class” and the other person going “yeah, it’s unreal”. I am but a simple woman.
Anyway, it is because of that reason I don’t think I could move to Iceland by myself long-term. I think I would get bored by myself and I also find it extremely difficult to develop interpersonal relationships. I am deeply ashamed of myself about this. I have touched on this before, but I have been thinking about it quite a lot as I am spending more with others. Every single non-familial relationship in my life is built on the bravery of other people. Every single one. I really resent that this is where I fall so short in life, because I sincerely believe that the effort involved in getting to know people and developing relationships should be fair and balanced, but I just can’t provide that at the start. Any time I meet people that I find interesting and would like to get to know and spend time with, I just hope and pray that they feel the same way but are braver than I am. I would genuinely rather eat glass than text someone first, and not even a loaded gun to my head could compel me to ask someone to hangout (which is why I was offering a gig on my story yesterday to whoever may want it, even though there are people I could have specifically asked). I cannot do it, at all, and I feel so bad about it - because a lot of the people whose company I enjoy are like me in nature, and they may have similar anxieties and I may be unwittingly making them feel bad by always leaving it to them to initiate a conversation. That’s not to say that I constantly remain in this state, usually once we get to a level of intimacy where we know each other’s birthdays I feel comfortable enough to be my strange-normal self. There is a good explanation for why I am this way unfortunately, but I am not telling you why now. So moving somewhere alone would not work for me because I would just stay alone, and I have already spent enough time alone, and I like a lot of the elements of my life even if it doesn’t seem to be going all that well on paper.
Anyway, I better shut up before I overshare too much. I wrote about three of these last week and never shared them. I haven’t been feeling like I’ve been making much sense lately. I have to go and try and be normal (not going well) Slán!