hello. I have returned from my self-imposed winter instagram exile a month earlier than last year. I feel so silly because it’s only been nine days yet I feel so nervous returning to society. I think that is because I have been feeling fairly good and so much lighter inside, and I’m not used to that. Also, while none of you believe me, I am in fact very shy. But I find myself yearning for a sense of community, so here I am.
But I have some very important news - boys and girls, I have been SLEEPING. I have gotten about a month’s worth of sleep since we last spoke and I am feeling so well-adjusted I hardly recognise myself. I am feeling so coherent and inspired. It is such a treat to not feel like I am on the verge of organ failure and imminent death. However, the sleep has brought with it so much clarity that I am now extremely conscious of everything, especially everything I need to make up for missing while I was not sleeping. This is both overwhelming and exciting, as there is so much to look forward to, but so much to figure out.
I am not one for New Years Resolutions, or placing expectations in general, but the advent of the New Year coincides with a feeling of something I suspect is a sense of peace and freedom. I wish to maintain this feeling as much as possible, so my intention going forward is to live slowly, but fully. I struggle with living slowly. The last couple of years were quite difficult and underlined by a sense of panic and dread. My nervous system was permanently set to survival mode, so I lived my life with a sense of urgency in an attempt to keep my head above water, and to recover myself and my life as quickly and efficiently as possible. That is not to say I didn’t take breaks and step back when I felt like I needed to, but I was very hard on myself for doing so and always felt like I was letting myself and others down.
I have been living very slowly over the holiday season. All I have done is quietly clean, eat, sleep, walk, clean, walk and sleep some more, and I really needed it. Today I treated myself to a trip to Dublin to admire the work of my favourite artist, and indulge in a significant amount of matcha. I drove up and down quite calmly, respected all speed limits and displayed no instances of road rage. I strolled about in my long swooshy skirt, I sat down to drink my matchas (yes, plural) and I availed of the cloakroom in the gallery so I could walk around unburdened. I listened to my favourite album on a loop. I’m not telling you what it is, but it’s not a rap album. All in all, it was a lovely day - and I hope I have many more of those kind of days to look forward to. Happy New Year! xo