hello, long time no overshare! I have been trying to gather myself (not going well). I had been meaning to share a post about Iceland but there is too much to say (the account of my first day is only up to 5pm and is already at 1361 words) I don’t think anyone wants to read all that. I will wait to share it until I can be more concise and exercise more control over what I say, because honestly Iceland fills me with the most pure and impure thoughts that can go through a person’s head and I need to simmer down some more so I don’t scare anyone with my perverse thoughts and feelings about nature. Obviously I had a great time, but I hardly slept whilst I was there, or since I’ve been back. I was also a bit sick, but didn’t have time to be sick, so I’ve been feeling pretty exhausted from all the spiritually fulfilling adventures and side quests I’ve had going on as of late.
Yesterday was the first time I had some time to myself in this country in about six weeks, and it coincided with the sunshine coming through so I could feel myself charging up. I always think I enjoy the moody and mystical winter months until the spring sunshine comes through and I feel like I’ve had Vitamin D shot through my veins like crack. I got out of bed after achieving 8 hours of broken sleep, which was genuinely fantastic. I made my morning matcha and started spinning Doechii’s Alligator Bites Never Heal album because the sun made the line “it’s a sunny day, the gang’s all here, no chip on my shoulders AH HA HA HA HA” run through my head. I danced my way through my tidying and household tasks until my battery ran out. I mentioned that I had been doing a lot of tidying at the start of the year, but I have since forgotten all the new places I decided to keep things, which has caused more mess. I think I have to deep clean from the start again and actually write down where I put things, because I am not enjoying only being able to find my short pairs of black jeans.
I am quite overwhelmed by how much I want to and have to do, and how little capacity I have to execute it. I don’t feel like I have my shit together at all. I know my posts and stories are all whimsical and lovely photos of me out and about exploring, but the inside of my head feels like this drawing of a cat I came across at the weekend on instagram:
I actually related to all the drawings I saw, shoutout to the artist Leo Forest for capturing it in cat form. I am feeling quite feral and flighty and burdened by so many thoughts about quite literally everything that I can’t seem to narrow my focus on any one thing long enough to follow things through. I think it’s very difficult to try and decide what to do on one particular day when there are so many things that I am drawn to do. I feel like if I had three days for every person’s one day, I would be fine. I think I’m really struggling with the concept of time, because my whole life I had it in my head that 28 would be the year where everything that is meant for me would find me and I only have a month-ish of 28 left (I am not revealing my date of birth) and I am still confused about my whole life, and frustrated that I have only gotten more confused since I started sleeping more - as I thought that would make everything a million times easier and clearer. I keep having to tell myself that time is just a construct and I don’t have to have X done by Y, but it can be hard to go along with this when you are a woman and have a biological clock ticking, which ticks very loudly and sharply at this age. I wish someone would tell me what to do and I could just do it, but I also know that I do not take well to being told what to do. Most of the time..
In good news, I have a market coming up in March, I will tell you more about it at some point. It is in Cork, but not in the city centre, and I am looking forward to it. I love markets so much, but I am always wracked with fear that no one will show up because everyone has either forgotten about me or doesn’t like me anymore, particularly when it’s the first one after a break. I haven’t been making anything, but I think this will hopefully get me back into it. I have been having a very complicated relationship with making things this year, and I have been going through all my feelings with it. I might talk about it but it’s very personal and deep and stupid. I am going to stop writing this now because I am after demolishing a Korean Chicken bowl in my favourite establishment, Naturally Nourished, and the guy sitting beside me just full on sucked his fingers very loudly after finishing the first half of his sandwich (I understand, it’s incredibly tasty stuff) but he’s also chewing with his mouth open and sitting towards me with his legs wide open so I need to pack up and leave before the goblin in me tries to put some manners on him.